


A Night With Sasha

by LadyLustful



Series: A Marvelous Anthology of Crack Porn [10]
Category: Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Punisher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Pairing, Deadpool does the Marvel universe, Deadpool monologue only format, Gen, M/M, Pointless, Wade Wilson would totally do anything, ambiguous universe -lampshaded, completely poinless, large amounts of Deadpool babble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7115857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, I was watching let's plays and saw the Russian and decided he's totally Deadpool's type since he's big, white-haired, and they're both mercs who are superhero fans.<br/>Hence this crack.<br/>Sasha is a popular Russian male name, short for Alexander.<br/>And Deadpool's pickup strategy is totally prattling at them until they kiss or shoot him to shut him up, it's canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Night With Sasha

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Filigranka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka/gifts).



> This ain't my toys, just borrowin'em. Gonna give'em back.  
> I claim no ownership of this except the "Sassin' Assassin" and the idea for a motel boasting Pool and Cable.

  
Hey, Waldo! Waaaldooo!!! Big Guy with the Stripes and the arms, yes, you, are you new here?  
Rough night? We, down-on-luck scum-of-the-earth mercernaries have to stick together. So what happened?  
Castle? Castle the Asshole? You, my friend, are lucky to be alive, cause let me tell you, that dick may look like a short-haired middle-aged overgrown metalhead with chronic stomache, but he's... okay, I'm pretty sure he actually is a middle-aged metalhead on steroids, what with the skull and all, but he's lethal. Like, me level lethal, and I have a healing factor and a much better movie. Anyway, you can't kill him, he's a title character and the fans love him. Morons! I'm sassier, sexier, and all around more fun!  
Want a drink? Weasel, mi amigo, bottle of vodka for my new friend and the usual for yours truly. Ah! I love this drink!...  
So what's your name anyway? Sasha? I like that. I like you. I pretty sure I could just climb you like a tall, broad, East-European accented tree. I'm Wilson, Wade Wilson, no relation to Deathstroke, Falcon or Kingpin, what is it with Wilsons these days, the comic authors are so unimaginative, also known as Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth, the Regenerating Degenerate, and the Sassin' Assassin with the really great ass.  
So, you like, like superheroes? Who's your favourite? Thor? Good taste my friend! I must say, I wouldn't mind a closer look at his... hammer... either. Either of them, actually.  
Fantastic Four are overrated, really, says like every moviegoer ever, the only thing fantastic about them is the name.  
Spidey's good, though. Spiderman. He's like a skinny, scrawny mini-marshmallow with superstrength and the nicest spandex-clad ass since like ever and spunk coming out of his hands. Haha, coming, get it? Pretty sure he's not legal though. Pity, I'd totally bang him if he were, but I'll wait. Not like I can die of blue balls. And Black Widow's hot, she's like the Arch-Empress of all sexy spies anywhere, I bet she could make James Bond cry like an whiny wimpy emo hipster boy. I bet I'm married to her in some much better alternate universe.  
Winter Soldier's creepy, but I've had many lovely wet dreams about that pouty red mouth, and Wolverine is... well, he's exactly what they say he is, except half as tall, twice as grumpy, and about five times as hairy. Like a hairy little meatball armed with forks, hah, armed, get it? Not that kind of hairy meat ball, you stupid pervert box! Wasn't talking to you, sorry.  
And Cable. He's gorgeous, in a completely platonic way, and does he even exist in this universe? What universe is it again? The 2004 movie? The '89 one? The game? I'm pretty sure this isn't 616 though. Anyway I wanna rub WD-40 all over his arm and run off with him and start a motel boasting Pool and Cable. How the hell did that sad boring little dick Cyclops end up with a son like him I'll never know, but I suspect his lack of involvement.  
Sorry, Al says it's bad manners if I rant to you about other people on a first date. Is it even a date? Or are you one of those people who only think it's a date if there's food involved? Cause I could totally buy you tacos if that's what it takes for you to get out of those clothes, hold me against the wall and bang me? I know a place with great tacos, you know, it's right... mmmmmffff, uh, oh, that'll work too, that's a great kiss, and oh, I like what you're doing with those hands...


End file.
